November 21

November 21, 2002 I got up for school like any other day.
I went to school and had a semi okay day but had a funny feeling all day.
When I got home, my parents were just returning as well.
They were gone when I left in the morning which was unusual.

I then received the news.

He died.

My grandpa had been having a rough while and decided to go off of dialysis, even though it was a death sentence.
I heard that news casually while my dad was on one computer and I was on another. I couldn't understand how it could be so casual or how anyone could make that decision. The decision to die. I was only twelve years old.

It was so hard to handle and I prayed every night thinking that maybe by some miracle he could live. That was the most selfish thing I ever did. Here he was, suffering, and I wanted him to stay alive longer to spend more time with him.

Every year since then, with or without my family, I have made a trip to the cemetery on this day.
There are other visits as well.. but ALWAYS on the date I went.
This year, I didn't make it.

He always showed his love.. always wanting to cuddle.. always wanting to be with the grand kids around.
He made me his little nurse helping with checking his sugars and giving him his insulin.

Those days are long gone..
But I feel so terrible for not making it.
It might not make a difference to him now
or to anyone else.

But it made a difference to me.
Every year for five years I made it

I don't know what stopped me,
Pretending I was busy,
Trying to avoid sitting by myself just living in the past,
or whatever excuse:
I should have gone.

For him.


Angi said...

I remember your grandpa too. He was a very great guy! You can go today...

The Mowers said...

Your blog made me cry... :-( Don't beat yourself up Brylie, I know that you always go to grandpa's grave on the day that he died, but maybe you can make it the first year that you go any other day of the year and celebrate days that he lived. ;-) Grandpa couldn't have asked for a better grand-daughter than you. Please cheer up even though it's hard sometimes because we miss him, but he would want us to just be happy.

kacer said...

I too remember that day. I woke up from a strange dream to the phone ringing. It was like 5:45 in the morning. I immediately knew. You too made me cry. We were all so lucky to have such a loving, compassionate grandpa. He toughed it out for quite a while to be with us. I never thought I'd say this but I truely am grateful for the few weeks we had to say our goodbyes. We knew the end was near. Those few weeks were priceless. Along with the other amazing memories. We should start a post of memories or something. From the huge spider on his house at Halloween, and his silly costumes and pumkins on his head to the times over at Bonneville Park. We are extra blessed because we have him watching over us every day. I know he's been there for me several times. :)

Mason Family Blog :) said...

I agree, it is very hard to loose a loved one, but I am sure your Grandpa loved you very much and is looking out for you! I felt the same way when my Grandma died, but as Scott says, God always has a plan, everything happens for a reason.

I definitely agree that you shouldn't feel bad and that you should celebrate his life-he wouldn't want you to feel bad over it!