Finals and random thoughts

So finals are over and I am finally done with my classes. I am so excited to have a break! It is amazing not having to worry about class.
I'm not going to lie, my class schedule wasn't that bad. I never really had homework except stuff I could quickly do just before it was due on the weekends. But the break is really nice and I even got to go to the choir concert at my work for the first time in over a year.

Wow. A whole year at Canyon View. I cannot believe how much time flies and how much I love it. It does get difficult sometimes, even to the point where I want to cry. But I think that's why I love it so much. This is my first job that I've liked and didn't give up on after a couple of months. Its the first job that has pushed me to be a better person and more outgoing. Its forced me to get along with other people who are different. When I first started, I wouldn't have been caught dead dancing in front of people. Now I don't even care.
Working with these kids everyday, I believe I benefit more than the kids do from me.

Lately, I have been having a hard time dealing with what I am forced to face with. When my cousins first came to live with us, I wasn't thinking how it would affect me long term.

Now is my time to vent because if I don't here, I might drive Allex crazy.

I feel uncomfortable in my own home now. I know they have no control over being here, but it makes me sick everytime I see or hear one of them complaining about how they hate it here and its so awful. We know they don't want to be here but they don't have to rub it in our faces. We actually stepped up and took them. Why can't they just accept that and blame it on their mom and not us. We didn't force them here... she did.

Lately, I have had to just bite my tongue and not say anything to any of them. That means I am almost always silent in my own house. I absolutely hate it. I can't be free and let go when I come home from work. This has caused me to spend much more time at Rob's house. I love that I have a place to go and him and his family are so loving and they accept me and listen. They're great! But when I have to stay at home, I can't stand it. I know everyone is about making them comfortable, but its not fair that they can say and do whatever they want about us.... but if we say one negative thing in front of a certain someone, we (meaning me and my sisters) get in a lot of trouble.

The thing that drives me the most to insanity is the fact that no one asks about our family. Its always about "well how are the kids doing?" "they must be going through an awful time." "how are they holding up?"
I think people don't realize that our world was completely turned upside down when they moved in too. Yes, they lost their parents. But they're taking over mine and I don't get to talk to mine like I used to. They lost their house, I lost my house. They still feel comfortable enough in our house to run it and get their way with everything. I do NOT feel comfortable in my house around them.
I'm not saying that I have it just as bad and that they don't deserve any of the attention. I would just like a simple "Hey Brylie, how are you feeling?" or "How are things at home?"
I've noticed that ever since my uncle passed, his siblings and family have been around for the kids a lot. (I don't know how much they were around before, maybe its the same.) But even at the funeral, not a single one of them have spoken a single word to me. Not ONE word. I don't mean they have to have a huge in depth conversation with me. But even "hi" would be nice.

Last thing. My aunt was selfish and I still blame her for my uncle's death. But I am the one that everyone gets mad at because I don't want to spend time with her. I don't want to be with her. I don't understand why its so hard to comprehend my hatred towards her. Allex and Rikkell hate her too. But because I am the only one that voices my opinion or walks away from my aunt.... I have "anger issues". I am the one that should try to patch things up. PS. things will NEVER be the same.

It would make me so frustrated if I had the chance to vent it all out more.
Maybe things would be better if I moved out...

Anyways, now that I am done with that.
Rob and Rob's family are great... its almost Christmas and I have NO idea what to get him.


McKenna said...

I totally understand at least in a small part how you feel. A lot of times people don't understand and you who just needs a "Hi, how are you dealing with this?" never get's it from those around you. I deal with the same sometimes, although on a different level and different circumstance, but I still know what you mean.

I care, even though I am far. And me and my husband find ourselves praying for your family a lot. Did you know that you've even been on the Frankfurt Temple prayer roll? And maybe even the Preston/London England Temple prayer roll, I hope I remembered. :) Just so you know, you are thought of!

I am so proud of you Brylie! You have grown up so much since Kacee and I used to play together. It's amazing to see you in your line of work, in your super cute relationship, standing strong (even when you don't feel strong.) You are a great example to me.

Keep it up! You can do it! I love you girl!


Brady and Madi said...

That sounds like that really sucks. I have no clue what happened with your uncle dying, but I am really sorry. I guess people don't understand that your cousins moving in has just as big of effect on you as it does on them. Sorry friend.